he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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