Duck Duck Cougar?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
