i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
