is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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