I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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