I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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