So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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