I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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