it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
