I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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