She is in my trunk
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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