she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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