Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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