Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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