I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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