Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
