dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
