I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
