Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
