get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
