I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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