What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
