dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
