I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
