I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
