Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
