Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
this is an emotional support booty call
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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