Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
