i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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