I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Operation Purity has been aborted
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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