she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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