In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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