life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
