Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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