Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
