i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
