There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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