I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
