She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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