Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
