I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
