Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
