I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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