dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Randomize
