I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
