Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
