i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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