I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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