The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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