I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize