I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.