He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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