Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
